Perceptions of an Ambivert

Why have i always been indifferent to things?Worse, why do i never show my anger but provoke people just with the help of my body language?Or man, why the hell do i have this care-a-damn attitude?Why am i not able to feel anything for anybody?Have i become a self-conceited, arrogant being?Or do i live my life constantly telling myself that i am what that counts and nothing else actually does?Why have i become do indifferent and cold-hearted of late?What made me look upon people as a bunch of stupids and what do i call a person who hates mankind?A misanthrope, yes, have i become a misanthrope or have i always been one?

Well, there are a thousand questions inside me, constantly making me think.The worst part is, i love being indifferent. I feel it has always been an integral part of my sole being. One thing very bad about this quality is that you don't feel anything about anybody but you and sometimes it's like "do i deserve this kind of an attention?" or sometimes when my folks expect something from me and i don't live upto their expectations(it's a very rare case that i live upto their expectations) I ponder about it for a moment and leave it at that. The day when my mom called me a cold-hearted idiot, i felt bad about it for some time. But she knows that i am me. She expects nothing from me and i must say that she is the only person that has understood me one hundred percent. She is at times horrified by my attitude. But one can't change one's nature.So she accepts me the way i am. But others find it a bit hard to compromise. They can't bear a person being indifferent. Anger might make something go awry.But indifference exacerbates it.hmm, whatever.

I don't usually go close with many people. I am actually very choosy about picking up my friends. One such great friend is Aarthy who i have talked about here in great detail in some of my earlier posts. Goes without saying that i am not very open when it comes to ex[pressing anything. Well, rt(this is how she is called), my friend is actually very extroverted and a happy go lucky type, unlike me. We have a lot of differences in opinion. But somehow she is one of the very few who has made me feel special and she really deserves something better than a post that says that she's awesome. :)And yes, we have had many fights in he past and every time we had a fight, she was the first to come and talk to me. The last time we had a fight, i was like "Man, this is the end of this goddamn friendship!I can't bear any of this crap anymore!" when after a day or two, she sent me a message saying she was sorry and had actually used the words "I couldn't show my anger to other people. I thought you would understand when i was like that. why didn't you ask me what was wrong?"Things like this always happen in my case.Asking a simple sorry is an expletive in my lexicon!

Okay now, being cold ad indifferent is something bad and can irritate people, but where were they when i needed them?Yep, indifference is an inseperable part of my being and i have no qualms whatsoever.

Perceived by rampantheart at Tuesday, February 26, 2008 |    
Categories perceptions, personal